broken promises

•October 7, 2007 • Leave a Comment

So, I have already broken the lone promise I set forth in my inaugural post: that of posting at least once a week. In my defense, last week was hell at work and I was at a sports tournament all weekend but nevertheless the outcome is disappointing.

Following that theme I broke another rule I had and kissed a rather ugly girl this past week. She was an old friend who I knew liked me so I decided what the heck when we were out drinking. This behaviour is pitiful. Of course, it’s probably standard behaviour for most guys but still, how pathetic am I? Now I know it’s politically incorrect to say “ugly girl” but they say you should call a spade a spade and I’m not calling her a spade so that’s got to count for something.

At least I was upfront in saying I didn’t want anything out of this before it went far, but since when did I turn into that guy who could be totally casual about a hookup? Actually, I have always been that guy; I just balance it by having a nice side that is more prevalent. Depending on which of my personas you meet you can come away with a very different impression of me. Aren’t most people like this? Is mild schizophrenia not ubiquitous?

It’s such a cliche that living in a big city makes you heartless but that is in fact what I’m becoming. I still want a relationship but there are many days now when I just want sex and nothing else. Of course, sex with a good looking girl is really the standard to hold out for so more than my being a cad this past week I think I’m disappointed more that I had no standards. Pathetic on two levels it seems.

In the age old debate whether men hunt and women nest (is this really a debate anymore?) I seem to fall in line with the theory soundly, emphasis on the word “fall”. Do animals in the wild chase better meat? Or do they take what they can get? And even if its the latter of what comfort is it to know that I share the same thought pattern as a lion? Or, more appropriately, a vulture?

Anyway, there is surely some deeper analysis that I can indulge in at this time but I will refrain from doing so. Instead I think I’m going to drink, watch a great playoff baseball game and see if I can find a new band on iTunes. The latter parts are, of course, just a cover for drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Okay, that’s a cliche if there ever was one. I am drowing nothing; I just like the taste of some fine, chilled sake. Denial is a beautiful thing.


Raison d’etre

•September 24, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I start this blog today, Sept. 24, 2007, because I find that I have so much to say but I often don’t want to say it to anyone in particular.  There are times when I just want to vent, or be introspective, and don’t really want to deal with the fallout of airing my schizophrenic thoughts to someone else.  I guess this is why people keep diaries or journals, but this sounds somewhat girly so I’d rather use the euphemism of a blog.  I think Doogie Howser would have done the same were he around in this era.

Writing this blog is a catharsis for me because beyond venting my frustrations it helps me organize my thoughts.  This allows me to address my concerns rather than let them fester without applying any logic to the problems at hand.  So, there is a method to the madness.  However, I’d like to keep the madness visible to myself as much as possible.  Hence, I will keep my identity anonymous and will indulge in zero marketing effort.  I suspect this should achieve my goal of keeping this blog with a readership of one.

There are many blogs in this world today, 70 million as of July 2006.  Given an internet population of ~1B people that’s roughly 10 people per blog.  [1,2]  Of course, the distribution is skewed towards the most popular blogs and I’m sure there are several thousand, maybe even a million, blogs that have readerships of just one.  So, my goal should not be too hard to achieve.

Of course, having no readership means there is a risk of variable quality in the posts but I hope I can police this aspect myself adequately.

One vow I make is that I will update this blog at least once a week, every weekend.  This commitment is important in part to not let the blog atrophy but also because the process of self discovery is long and takes a concentrated effort.  I am excited and humbled to begin this journey.